C’est La Vie - I wrote this poem to let people know that there ARE others suffering too and YOU are NOT ALONE, MY FRIEND xoxo

C’est La Vie

I’m scared now…

It’s pitch black and the stars are no longer in my eyes

I’m reminded of Boston in

1987…

Ah…!!! The craic, the drink, the boyfriend[s]…!!!

The MONEY…!!!

HECK YEA

And then the plane journey

Home to hell in

1988…

Six weeks in a psychiatric ward

My eyes drowned in drugs

Crawling up the aisle

On all fours

To receive Holy Communion

My face covered in a thick white mask

An allergy

Due to the side effects of the Merririll

Someone from the pew shouts

CLOWN…

I didn’t see the humour

Or the irony in

1988…

And then nothing…

Except pain

A protracted excruciating agony in the garden…

Laying in bed

For days on end

Listening to rats

Scratching from inside the walls

Of my brain

The piece that was left of it…

Watching my grandmother

[long since dead]

Dancing, naked, with the doctor…

You stole my future from me

Without a “how-do-you-do”

You stole everything I ever owned

My happiness, my husbands, my children, my grand-children, my great-grandchildren, my houses, my jobs, my friends, my concentration, my memory, my learnedness, my love of books,

Yes LIFE

You LIFE

You took it all

But you couldn’t steal my

DIGNITY.

I look in the mirror in

2013

And looking back at me is a shell of my former self.

The side-effects from the injections are worsening

My right hand is uncontrollable

Reminding me of…

Resembling that of…

Parkinson’s Disease

My head says

“Check it out”

My mind says

“Why bother?”

I’ve planned my death a trillion times

In that small piece I still call a brain

I’ll go to Dingle Pier

To the steps leading into the murky slime

Water, welcoming me with open arms

And then the

RUSH

To my head

PEACE…!!!

But then the thought of my elderly mother

And her struggle to survive

Without me…

The devastation

Left in a trail of endless whys

Man, it’s

TOUGH

It’s easier to die

Than to live

But I was never good

At doing “easy”

So,

LIFE

goes on,

C’est la vie.

An Irish Mermaid

I look into my pint of water

The wedge of lime

Sparkles under the disco lights

I see a figure laying on her back

Relaxing

On the icy rocks

She’s clad in green.

I sip through a straw

Teasing her

The feel of the tangy flavour

Bursting in my mouth.

I’m reminded of the fireworks

On Dingle Pier

On New Year’s Eve

I crack the ice with my teeth

A shiver running up my spine

My brain freezes over

Now

The glass is empty

But the image is stamped on my mind

Words in pictures

The mermaid in my belly.

The Fear of God in Me Tonight

[Ireland 2012]

Maria Ní Mhurchú

The country is broke

And I don’t know who to turn to

My knees are bleeding

Clots of vermilion on purple cloth

I've prayed to every saint that ever lived

Those who died a martyr’s death.

God help us!

What a fool I've been…

I look out onto Dingle Harbour

The cold dank weather

Settling in my poor bones

The Bailout

The Eurozone

The IMF

The God Damn EFSF

I shout from the depths of my dismal soul

Jesus!

Mary!

Joseph!

In the name of God

Pleeeeeaaaassssee send me a sign.

 4th February 2012

Simple Simon

As I try

To post

My little ditty

On the Dark Lord’s site…

Insects of every nature

Begin to appear in front of me

Hopping up and down

Flitting through the kitchen

Tropical moths

Fleas

Scorpions

Scaring the shit out of me…

I quickly step on one

And two appear

Satan’s in disguise again

Winding me up

Driving me crazy

Where is my White Knight

On this cold, dark evening?

Too busy I suppose

Tearing teenagers apart

On Britain’s got talent

It’s all about you…

Isn’t it…???

A Surrogate’s Dilemma

This pain is excruciating

Will it ever end…

CHRIST I scream

Cut open my belly

Sever me with a sabre if necessary…

A woman holds my hand tightly

Push, Push, Push…

Come on PUSH…

Ahhhhhhh

And there she is

My beautiful baby daughter

Covered in blood

Close to my chest

The sense of love I’m feeling is overwhelming…

And I begin to cry

I’m in ecstasy

Over this little creature

Her little fingers twisted around mind

Holding onto to me for dear life.

The woman’s face turns to stone…

She is weeping too …

Tears of loss…

She tries to shove her hand down my throat

I begin to gag

No!

Sttttop!

She’s trying to tear out my heart from my very being.

No, no, no, I won’t allow it…

I hold onto my little bundle of joy for dear life.

Ten perfect little fingers

Ten tiny little toes

And a stock of beautiful blonde hair

My little Goldilocks J

Next to my breast…

Nothing…

Not even the severing of the cord

Can ever tear my little girl away from me.

The woman recoils

Her back up against

The bland hospital ward…

She’s heartbroken

But she’s invisible to all

I cast a glance in her direction

And I realise what a fool I’ve been…

1979

I sit on the lonely mattress

My heart is shattered
Shards of scarlet glass
Scattered in pieces
On a grimy carpet...

Pieces of flesh
Splattered on dreary walls
Here and there
In this rotten bedsit.

No sympathy here from
Heavenly Hosts

I call on satan.
I'm in the depths of despair.
One wish Lucifer
Just one little wish

The demon smiles sweetly at me
"anything for you, my precious"
"anything at all my dear"

I just want to go home
I say in my naive teenage voice.

he bagged my Soul there and then
The white dove trapped in an old dirty brown bag
...forever

And I went home
To a funeral

Child Abuse

 I had a very happy childhood just to clarify that.

In this poem I transport myself or at least try to a teenagers view point.

Black blood spills
From my tear-ducts
Destroying the white crochet kerchief
An heirloom from Gran.

Oh God
Jesus will I cope ??
My Jesus how will I cope ?? 

This was meant to be
The happiest day of my life. ..

But I've just turned fifteen. ..

They tell me I'm wise beyond my years. ..

And as I'm handed the shears 
I cut the cord
That binds me to my little boy

Headlines hit the tabloids
Probably. ..

Monster rapist
Gets electric chair
ZAP
And you're gone. 

I watch the mid-wife
Like a hawk
She's swats that bloody bluebottle
That was buzzing through the birth
Disgusted I look on
While she looks relieved
Don't know why
And don't really care

I close my eyes

What now ?? 

Mammy, help me…

23rd August 2013