C’est La Vie
I’m scared now…
It’s pitch black and the stars are no longer in my eyes
I’m reminded of Boston in
1987…
Ah…!!! The craic, the drink, the boyfriend[s]…!!!
The MONEY…!!!
HECK YEA
And then the plane journey
Home to hell in
1988…
Six weeks in a psychiatric ward
My eyes drowned in drugs
Crawling up the aisle
On all fours
To receive Holy Communion
My face covered in a thick white mask
An allergy
Due to the side effects of the Merririll
Someone from the pew shouts
CLOWN…
I didn’t see the humour
Or the irony in
1988…
And then nothing…
Except pain
A protracted excruciating agony in the garden…
Laying in bed
For days on end
Listening to rats
Scratching from inside the walls
Of my brain
The piece that was left of it…
Watching my grandmother
[long since dead]
Dancing, naked, with the doctor…
You stole my future from me
Without a “how-do-you-do”
You stole everything I ever owned
My happiness, my husbands, my children, my grand-children, my great-grandchildren, my houses, my jobs, my friends, my concentration, my memory, my learnedness, my love of books,
Yes LIFE
You LIFE
You took it all
But you couldn’t steal my
DIGNITY.
I look in the mirror in
2013
And looking back at me is a shell of my former self.
The side-effects from the injections are worsening
My right hand is uncontrollable
Reminding me of…
Resembling that of…
Parkinson’s Disease
My head says
“Check it out”
My mind says
“Why bother?”
I’ve planned my death a trillion times
In that small piece I still call a brain
I’ll go to Dingle Pier
To the steps leading into the murky slime
Water, welcoming me with open arms
And then the
RUSH
To my head
PEACE…!!!
But then the thought of my elderly mother
And her struggle to survive
Without me…
The devastation
Left in a trail of endless whys
Man, it’s
TOUGH
It’s easier to die
Than to live
But I was never good
At doing “easy”
So,
LIFE
goes on,
C’est la vie.
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